An Ambivalence About Christmas
It's the happiest time of year! Sleigh bells ringing, children are singing, peppermint bark everywhere... And yet, it doesn't quite feel like that for me. Personally, this holiday season is not marked by unabashed joy, but rather a deep ambivalence.
When I was younger, I fiercely resisted. I think it stemmed from wanting to hold onto a marginalized identity and defy the pressures that came with growing up in a small Southern town where Christian life plays an enormous role in daily life. But I was also fairly stubborn. Part of me wanted to snub my nose at Christmas simply because everyone else raved about it. We never had extended family come to town nor did we really do gifts. One year, my parents asked if we should do a tree, and I remember answering for everyone by saying that there was no need. At five years old, I couldn't understand why my peers hadn't thought through the logic of Santa Claus- how was one man supposed to visit every household in the world in a single night? Maybe I was also driven by a bit of envy. It felt like Christmas was a magical day for everyone I knew, but it was always pretty ordinary for me. Logically, it just didn't make sense to celebrate a holiday we didn't believe in but emotionally, I felt left out and like I was missing out on something wonderful. Maturing and learning about more severe issues with the holiday like the toll that it can take on people who don't have great relationships with their families or who are struggling financially made me even more of a cynic.
As I got older and less stubborn, I started to see that much of the season's magic was in bringing people together. Secret santa gifts were a way to show that we cared, donning tacky sweaters made for fun photos which we could cherish for years to come, and goodness did I eat all of the festive treats. I started to accept that I enjoyed singing catchy Christmas carols and looking forward to the one time a year we could wear red and green together. It was always fun to watch the television and movie specials too. For a while, I made us send out Christmas cards to friends and family near and far. I went to Santa Con for the first time this year, and it was a blast. It makes me so happy to see those around me celebrate a day and belief that means so much to them. I've made peace with not having any established family Christmas traditions, but I'm starting to make a few of my own.
We still don't have a tree or ornaments. Yes, I say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" when I'm back home in Georgia. I won't ever really celebrate the "true" spiritual meaning of Christmas, but at least I'm not frustrated with the holiday anymore. Christmas time is nice because it's protected time each year to take a break and spend with family, a special opportunity to decorate cookies and eat peppermint bark. It's better that I no longer harbor resentment about a holiday that made me feel left out growing up. I've learned that there are indeed little ways to be included in some of the festivities, but also that it's okay not to find much meaning in something that means so much to so many others. I might not celebrate any holiday with the fervor that friends celebrate Christmas, but there are plenty of days during the year that I eat well, show people that I care, get loved right back, and feel connected to something bigger than myself. Christmas just really isn't one of them.
So Merry Christmas to you if you celebrate it! If not, hope you're still eating some extra cookies and spending day with people or interests you enjoy.
xoxo,
Juhi
When I was younger, I fiercely resisted. I think it stemmed from wanting to hold onto a marginalized identity and defy the pressures that came with growing up in a small Southern town where Christian life plays an enormous role in daily life. But I was also fairly stubborn. Part of me wanted to snub my nose at Christmas simply because everyone else raved about it. We never had extended family come to town nor did we really do gifts. One year, my parents asked if we should do a tree, and I remember answering for everyone by saying that there was no need. At five years old, I couldn't understand why my peers hadn't thought through the logic of Santa Claus- how was one man supposed to visit every household in the world in a single night? Maybe I was also driven by a bit of envy. It felt like Christmas was a magical day for everyone I knew, but it was always pretty ordinary for me. Logically, it just didn't make sense to celebrate a holiday we didn't believe in but emotionally, I felt left out and like I was missing out on something wonderful. Maturing and learning about more severe issues with the holiday like the toll that it can take on people who don't have great relationships with their families or who are struggling financially made me even more of a cynic.
As I got older and less stubborn, I started to see that much of the season's magic was in bringing people together. Secret santa gifts were a way to show that we cared, donning tacky sweaters made for fun photos which we could cherish for years to come, and goodness did I eat all of the festive treats. I started to accept that I enjoyed singing catchy Christmas carols and looking forward to the one time a year we could wear red and green together. It was always fun to watch the television and movie specials too. For a while, I made us send out Christmas cards to friends and family near and far. I went to Santa Con for the first time this year, and it was a blast. It makes me so happy to see those around me celebrate a day and belief that means so much to them. I've made peace with not having any established family Christmas traditions, but I'm starting to make a few of my own.
We still don't have a tree or ornaments. Yes, I say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" when I'm back home in Georgia. I won't ever really celebrate the "true" spiritual meaning of Christmas, but at least I'm not frustrated with the holiday anymore. Christmas time is nice because it's protected time each year to take a break and spend with family, a special opportunity to decorate cookies and eat peppermint bark. It's better that I no longer harbor resentment about a holiday that made me feel left out growing up. I've learned that there are indeed little ways to be included in some of the festivities, but also that it's okay not to find much meaning in something that means so much to so many others. I might not celebrate any holiday with the fervor that friends celebrate Christmas, but there are plenty of days during the year that I eat well, show people that I care, get loved right back, and feel connected to something bigger than myself. Christmas just really isn't one of them.
So Merry Christmas to you if you celebrate it! If not, hope you're still eating some extra cookies and spending day with people or interests you enjoy.
xoxo,
Juhi
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